"Of all the ways you could be spending your precious time and attention, it is very unlikely that you are currently spending it in the optimal way. The only path I know for figuring out a better way to spend your life is to sit and think. You simply have to carve out some time to think carefully about what you're doing, why you're doing it, and what you're really trying to achieve. Nobody stumbles into a well lived life. It has to be cultivated. Reflection and review are critical."
-- James Clear
-- James Clear
We spend so much of our life forming attachments to things, people, places, thoughts and emotions that our lives become overburdened with trivial things that really do not matter. Suffering stems from holding onto that which do not serve us — yet in a strange way, it seems comforting and familiar to hold onto these things for fear they will not be replaced or will be gone from our lives if we let go. The truth of the matter is, the space will be filled when you make a conscious decision to let go of that which does not serve you.
OUT THE DOOR in 2024
I've been giving some thought as to how to make our lives better in the new year. Dennis and I have been together for 50 years and we're fortunate in that our basic human needs have always been met. We've always had to be frugal and live on a very modest income, but we've never been homeless or needed to use the food bank. The bare necessities for anyone’s survival are air, food, water, clothing, sleep, shelter, and health. Your shelter needs to be a safe, secure, and aesthetically pleasing environment that provides warmth in the winter and relief from the heat in summer,. I'm just going to tweak the basics a bit. I want to eliminate whatever no longer serves a purpose.
Air. Without air there is no life. People can stay alive for days without water and for weeks without food. But without air, one cannot survive for more than a few minutes. This is why air is the most important thing in life. I am grateful that we are both still breathing.
I want to spend a few minutes every day focusing on breath and gratitude through meditating. I have a free year of The Balance App and my goal is to develop a daily practice of meditation.
Food is always near the top of the list of things I focus on and I spend a lot of time thinking about what to cook. I want to create month long meal plans that are nutritious, varied and do-able, based on recipes we enjoy. This will help eliminate food waste, save money and time.
I'm going to do the three-month Gina Livy Program again to get back into healthy eating habits and a regular schedule of meals. I like the flow of a "day in the life of" the Livy Method.
Water is essential to life. I want to get back into the habit of drinking water all day long. I'm going to eliminate alcohol (Dry January, February March...) and limit non-alcoholic beverages to two/day. I'll have my regular one or two cups a coffee in the morning, then aim to consume pure water or herbal tea for the rest of the day.
Clothing It's time to purge all my clothes. I have sizes from small to extra large and I only need to keep the medium sizes that fit me, and donate everything that doesn't fit or that I no longer wear.
Sleep I don't have to do much tweaking here. I've been working on improving my sleep for a few years now. I average between 7 and 8 hours per night, a little less in the summer and a little more in the winter.
Shelter is our 76 year old house. My main aspiration (and possibly my biggest challenge) for 2024 is to declutter the messy parts of our home (closets, spare room, basement, etc.) and only keep what we really need and love. I want to delve into a year long project called The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. I have the book and the workbook. It sounds grim but it really isn't. If I can clear out the excess clutter then I could finally redecorate the two front bedrooms.
Health. If you fail to meet the basic human needs, your body cannot function properly. A lot of factors play a role in staying healthy. While we can't guarantee that we won't become ill we can take steps to be as healthy as possible and decrease our risk of developing certain diseases or conditions, like heart disease, stroke, some cancers, and injuries. Daily movement and exercise is not only good for your body, but it's also great for your mind. It can increase our self-esteem and can reduce stress and anxiety. It also plays a role in preventing the development of mental health problems and in improving the quality of life of people experiencing mental health problems.
Mindfulness-based stress reduction practices have shown improvements in measures of anxiety, depression and pain scores. Structural and functional brain changes have been demonstrated in the brains of people with a long-term traditional meditation practice, and in people who have completed a mindfulness-based stress reduction program. I just began using the Balance app on December 17th and hope I can make time to use it every morning to start my day on the right foot. I also have The Calm App (until May 3, 2024) and listen to the sleep stories every night.
Dennis and I both need to bring back some quality face-to-face time with other people. For several years, COVID-19 and our own health problems significantly limited this opportunity. However if Dennis gets a clear green light after his CT Scan in January we can try to rebuild safe in-person interactions.
Besides the basic physiological needs... human beings also have psychological needs. Tony Robbins says that beyond the bare necessities for life (air, food, water, clothing, sleep, and shelter), we also have six human needs. Certainty, significance, variety, love/connection, growth and contribution.
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/mind-meaning/why-you-are-the-way-you-are/
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/mind-meaning/why-you-are-the-way-you-are/
Certainty is the need to avoid pain and ideally find some comfort. That is why this is the most basic need we all have – a survival mechanism. People are driven by more than one thing. And often that thing is certainty. We have to have certainty to even function in our daily lives. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt uncertain about something that was really important, like your health or the health of a loved one? How about uncertainty about your job or whether you’re going to make enough money to make ends meet? When our certainty is threatened, it is difficult to think clearly. When we are uncertain about something that matters, nothing else functions.
Now, we all try to find certainty, but we all go about it differently. Some people get certainty by establishing a routine. Some get it by lowering their expectations and saying, “I will never get what I want.” Others get it by trying to control everything and everyone. And still others get their certainty through faith and prayer. Every single person has their own way of meeting that basic need. The question is, are you meeting your need for certainty in a way that is empowering or disempowering you? Everyone prioritizes these human needs differently, but you have the power to choose what you focus on.
I am all about routines and I'm definitely a control freak. That is how I create feelings of certainty. Planning and scheduling bring me comfort.
Variety. The answer to “Why do people do what they do?” isn’t straightforward. The Six Human Needs can even appear to conflict with each other: We don’t just crave certainty – we also crave uncertainty.
The problem with certainty is that once we have it in every respect, we get bored. Our passion is found in the realm of uncertainty, or variety. Variety creates excitement for us. That’s what adventure is. It makes us feel alive. And we need surprises in our lives, because that’s what helps us grow. But just like with our need for certainty, we all strive to meet our need for variety in ways that are good, neutral and bad.
Some people find variety by doing drugs. Others will do it by over-eating. Some try extreme sports. Others get variety from a conversation with someone they find interesting, or by setting a new goal. And still others get variety by having a big problem. There are a million ways to get variety. The only question is, what is your way, and is it helping or hurting you.
My Mom always used to say, "A change is as good as a rest".
Significance. The third need is significance. We all have the need to feel that our lives are significant – that our lives are important, unique and in some way special.
In an intimate relationship, if your partner ever starts thinking something or someone is more important than you, that will initiate serious pain. That “someone” could be your child, a mother, a father, your coworker or even an outside party. And the instant that happens – as soon as someone feels like something else is more significant than them – that is when the relationship starts to break down.
Outside of an intimate relationship, there are unlimited ways that people find significance in their lives. And those ways can be productive, neutral or destructive.
Love and Connection. Why do people do what they do? Throughout history, the answer has been love.
The problem with the need for significance is that it means you have to be different than everyone else. And just in the way that the need for certainty reveals the need for variety, the need for significance reveals the need for love and connection.
People find connection through friendship, sports or community. Other people get it through pets or art. Some prefer meditation or by being in nature. Some can get it through their faith and through prayer.
People find connection through sex, even when it’s meaningless. Some experience it during illness, when others attend to them. Some get it by creating problems. For example, if you don’t give a child attention for anything good, he will do something bad to get that attention and see that you care.
Adults do the same thing, but often in a more dramatic and more painful way, like through resorting to illegal or hurtful behavior. Or what about when you are doing well in your life, but you tell people a different story? You put a negative spin on something in order to make them feel better. That is just another example of how we meet our need for connection. But in this way, you’re taking power away from yourself just to make someone else feel more connected to you, which is ultimately destructive to your positive state.
Growth and Contribution The first four needs are critical. They are essential. You will always find a way to meet each of these needs, but these alone will not fulfill you. If you truly want to be fulfilled, then you must meet these final two needs – growth and contribution. These are the needs of your spirit. That is not meant in a religious sense, but in the sense of who you are at your core.
If you’re not growing, you’re dying. There is no such thing as a plateau or a comfortable, even place. If your relationship is not growing, it is dying. If your business is not growing, it’s dying. Where do you stand? Take an honest assessment of your life and ask yourself where you are growing and how that makes you feel? What area in your life is dying? And how does that make you suffer?
Contribution will give your life meaning. When we give beyond ourselves, we live in a world of abundance and compassion. That is why Tony always says, “The secret to living is giving.” When is the last time you have contributed freely to another person or a cause outside of yourself? How did that make you feel?
